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No is such a simple word. It has only two letters, with no elaborate sounds. It is one of the most widely used words in parenting and one of the most ignored. This word is one of the first babies learn to speak. The meaning is one of the first to be understood, though the choice to follow the intent of the no is not often taken.
Parents can become numb to the word no, speaking it before they have even had a chance to comprehend what they are saying no to. Similarly, children become numb to the word no, not listening because it may be that they hear it too often or they fire back at a parental request with no since it is often what they initially hear from the parent for their own requests.
No is just not a good word in a lot of situations with kids. There are times when no is needed. It should be a word used to express the seriousness of an answer and should always have a reason given to back up its use. Saying no without listening to your child or thinking the situation through, tells them that what they want, need or have to say is just not worth the time to think about. I say no way too much to my daughter, but I am learning ways to eliminate the word no while keeping its meaning.
If your child asks for something, (like candy before dinner,) and your first instinct is to say no, try the alternative of 'I don't think candy before dinner is such a good idea, how about we save the sweet stuff for dessert.' You just said no without using those two little letters. This works for most things that children ask to have. Saying no means that another option is not available, when in most cases there are other options but they may not fit in with our busy schedules. We need to slow down and think what would I want to hear if it was me asking that question. No is definitely not what you would want to hear, so work out another plan. Most times it will be something agreeable for both you and your child. Young children are different since their level of understanding may not be as comprehensive. Work with toddlers on a less intellectual level and more with the concept of play. If they can't have candy before dinner, offer them a game or toy instead and put a piece of candy on top of the refrigerator so they know that they will get it after they eat their dinner. Younger children are more visual and need to see their goal in order to comprehend the alternatives that they were given.
When a child asks if they can go somewhere or if a friend can come over, instead of saying no, try 'today is not a very good day for that, lets make it for tomorrow (or whatever other day).' Or when your child wants to do something and there is no time or it is not an appropriate time, say to them, 'lets do that or this instead and we can play your favorite game tonight at home.' Most times the promise of one to one interaction and time with a parent wins over anything they may have wanted to do different.
Switch the situation and you find yourself with a child who says no to you too much. What is a parent to do? I have found a great way to win my child from the no's and into her own realm of creative thinking. Whenever she responds to me with an inappropriate no, she receives a red NO check on the calendar. Then we sit and figure out a better way for her to have responded to me. I don't want to force her to do something to help me around the house or force her to clean her room or do her homework, I want her to do them on her own and to enjoy the task. I make it clear that it is not acceptable to say no to a parent. Instead of no, now she says more of: I would like to finish playing first, or can I do that after I am done with this. A compromise that I enjoy. She still does what is asked but her time and her activity is also respected. All too often the sharp no has come out of her mouth simply because I am expecting her to stop everything that she is enjoying. Would we want to drop everything when someone called us? No might be the first thing we utter, so why would it be different for a child? Working out a situation with compromise, even for a very young child, shows them that they are important and valuable, as is what they do. The respect that is shared will only grow mutually as they age.
A child who has a door slammed in their face with a big no and without explanation, will stay in that room shutting themselves away. They may be afraid to try something new or attempt something they like to do for fear of being rejected. After all, no is a negative word and one of rejection. A child who is encouraged to find other solutions or opportunities is allowed to grow. A child who grows will be well adjusted, decisive and have a higher self-esteem.
We can't eliminate all the no's from parenting, but we can all be creative and say them a lot less without giving in to our children. Work with your child, be creative and have fun. Parenting should be fun for both the child and the parent. Effective parenting is possible without dictator like stances: besides, dictators were not often popular among the masses. Employ the democracy of parenting, change your no's to compromises and enjoy a happy and healthy home.
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